Apologies to anyone who is offended - this song tries to offend just about everyone I'm afraid. All I can say is, I didn't write it nor did I record it!
The lyrics are not definitive - I just listened and tried to get them right! Sections in [brackets] are guesses.
In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
A Dago from Eye-tally,
Went walking down the avenue,
Eating a hot tamale.
Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
[He sailed a ship around, oh!]
That navigating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.
A girl ran from the alleyway,
And who was that pursued her?
The white of an egg ran down her leg,
Columbus sure did screw her.
Columbus went to the Queen of Spain,
To get a ship and cargo.
He said, “I’d be a son-of-a-bitch,
If I don’t bring back Chicago.”
Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
He sailed a ship around, oh!
That masticating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.
Bridge:
Hold tight, Mr. Chris Columbus!
[Went to sea] without a compass,
Got a pain in his cucumbus,
Up spoke Mr. Chris Columbus:
"[He said I just can't stand],
Until I reach land,
I must get a hand,
From someone in the band"
Christy took one glance,
And quickly saw his chance,
When a blushing man,
Dropped his pants for romance!
Christy said now, "bend down mister,
And remember if this should pain,
It's for Spain."
And it was not in vain!
When the man bent down,
Christy went to town,
How the crew did cheer,
As he worked from the rear.
(back to main verse tune)
For 40 days and 40 nights,
They sailed in search of booty.
They spied a whore on a pagan shore,
By God she was a beauty!
Over the rails by heads and tails,
Shedding their shirts and collars.
In fourteen minutes by the clock,
She made nine hundred dollars.
Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
His pants were hanging down, oh!
That flagellating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.
Bridge again:
Hold tight, Mr. Chris Columbus!
[He said hurray for the] New World [something unintelligible] compass!